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A cure for the soul
Love is a strange idea and an even stranger feeling. It starts as purely superficial, an initial attraction based on physical features a person possesses.
However, once that initial attraction is cared for it can grow and develop into a much deeper connection, a genuine interest towards a person and even greater than that a sincere and honest bond between two people.
Lets set the scene. You walk into a bookshop and you’re searching for a book, why else would you be there right?, Anyway, you ask one of the clerks where you can find this specific book and they say “it’s in aisle 3, near the thriller genre section” as they point to the aisle. “That wasn’t very helpful” you mutter to yourself, as you walk in the direction of the aisle.
Searching through dozens of books you still can’t find that book you were looking for until something catches your ear, a cute but refreshing laugh, pleasant even. You see a girl with beautifully wavey hair and a certain way about her that intrigues you.
Then at your surprise, you see her reading the very book you were searching for. “Excuse me,” you say as you approach her “do you happen to know if there are any more copies?”, “its the last one” she says in a very sweet and helpful tone. “Oh,” you say, She watches you, as a look of disappointment grows on your face. “If you’d like you can have it,” she says with a smile as she selflessly hands you the book. “Really?” you say, “That’s very kind of you, how can I ever repay you?”, “It’s fine,” she says, “I hope this book makes you as happy as it made me, I’ve read it twice now,” she says as her cheeky smile grows wider.
Touched by this small but very meaningful gesture you ask her if you could treat her to dinner sometime in the near future as a thank you and even perhaps as a means to get to know her. She agrees and later that week you both go out for dinner.
All is going well and after dinner, you arrange another date and from that date, multiple dates until you both fall head of heels for one another, but as time passes things start to happen and for some reason unaware to both you and her you fall apart and start to drift away, causing you to go into somewhat of a depressive spiral seeking solitude and yearning for comfort, away from this pain.
As cliché as this scenario may be the idea behind it is even more cliché. We all live the same lives, in some respect, and experience very similar feelings. Love is just one of those feelings, and sometimes it ends up like this or sometimes it never ends.
Regardless of the outcome, it’s important to prepare yourself for the worst-case scenario and prevent yourself from being naïve. This post focuses on how you can make the best out of a bad situation and how to keep on moving forward.
Poison for the mind
Heartbreak leads to sadness. This consequently leads to a rather broken soul that takes time to mend. This heartbreak, however long it lasts, instils in you qualities which you may despise having.
You’ll tend to have trust issues, an unwillingness to love again, which also comes with a sense of desensitization towards love, making it harder to fall in love, as it has caused you to feel these wretched emotions.
These qualities may, in the long term, cause you to feel a sense of bitterness and hate, “what’s wrong with me?” or ” Our relationship wasn’t that great anyway,” are things you might say to yourself and the truth is you aren’t always at fault and your relationship probably was that great, but somewhere along the way you saw the person you fell in love with for what they truly are instead of what you thought they were.
You saw them as a person filled with flaws, as are you.
It’s important to acknowledge these flaws, we’re all human, incapable of perfection. However, after acknowledging these flaws tell yourself whether or not you can overlook them and help them or if they may be a problem in the near future.
Most of the time these flaws do become a problem and result in a pretty bad and hurtful break-up. So for your own sake, be cautious and consider what it is that you choose to over-look.
An everlasting longing for love
The resilience to keep on loving keeps you human. As a human, our ability to love doesn’t set us apart from other animals, rather it is our ability to express and articulate the love we have that truly makes us unique.
To articulate this love, we must first give ourselves the option to love again. If at any moment you feel that to love again can be a chore or even tedious then give yourself time to love, you don’t have to rush, as the saying goes “the best things take time”. Just know that the next time you fall in love you must go over two crucial thoughts.
The first thought is to think logically; who is this person in all their essence that you’ve miraculously fallen in love with? Are they kind towards others? do they truly love me? do they have flaws which are small enough to excuse? if you answered the last three questions, out of all the questions you really should ask yourself, as “no” then carry on with your life and forget about that person.
Your time and effort are more valuable than that. I know it’s easier said than done but you have to find a way out in order to be happier, that is, if it’s clear that the relationship is doomed to fail.
The second thought is to think calmly and accept defeat. Your previous romantic endeavour didn’t go so well, that’s ok. Accept it and move on and what’s more, if you’re able to, find it in your heart to forgive that person for it will bring you a lot more peace, but never allow it to make you rebound onto someone new and cause your life to be dependent on a relationship. A relationship is something that gives joy to life, it should not in its entirety be the sole purpose of your life and act as a crutch for you to hold onto.
I know how challenging heartbreak can be, trust me, I’ve been there. If you still need some guidance or help with going through this emotional rollercoaster then I highly recommend reading: Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Amir is an adult, child and adolescent psychiatrist, as well as a neuroscientist, While Rachel holds a degree in behavioural sciences.
In their book, they describe what it means to be in a relationship and key factors which essentially result in a stronger one. This book isn’t just for those who are looking to strengthen their current relationship but also for those who are seeking to not make the same mistakes in a future one and need better guidance in doing so.
As always I hope that you’ve gained some guidance and something of value from this post. Feel free to email or message me on social media regarding any topics you may want me to discuss on my next blog post. All links are on my home page. Until next time, keep questioning, keep being contemplative and always be mindful.